


The Office (Voltron Edition)

by blackmarketorchids (orphan_account), HunterTala



Series: The Office (Voltron Edition) [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Gen, M/M, Memes, The Office, Trans Male Pidge | Katie Holt, ace shiro/pidge, allura is the frustrated mom, cool uncle coran, everyone is legal we promise, keith and lance break a lot of copiers, keith and lance have 2 much sex, long story short they deserve happiness, nonjailbait pidge, pidge and hunk are partners in crime, shiro loves himself (but he lowkey loves pidge more), y'all have no idea what we got planned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-08-12 18:08:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7944214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/blackmarketorchids, https://archiveofourown.org/users/HunterTala/pseuds/HunterTala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Voltron Office AU made of pure gold.</p><p>Keith and Lance cause a lot of trouble (and broken equipment).<br/>Coran takes the office costume party too seriously.<br/>Shiro and Pidge sneak behind everyone's back.<br/>Company picnic battles are had.<br/>Cake and announcements?<br/>Shenanigans galore</p><p>Many more adventures to come.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Klance Shklance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith and Lance vehemently deny dating rumors.

“I'd definitely say Keith and I are competitive,” Lance says as he leans back in his chair, folding his arms across his chest. “Hell, when we have contests to see who can sell the most, we’re practically at each other's throats.”

Keith looks over and glares at him. 

“He's looking at me like that because I just stole his sale a few minutes ago. You came in at a good time,” Lance teases, and Keith gets up and walks away. The camera follows him, and Keith flips it off. The camera looks back at Lance, who is grinning. “He loves me,” He says with a fond sigh.

A different camera is stuck with Keith, who is fuming in the break room. “I mean, the guy doesn't understand boundaries, you know?” Keith says, shaking his head. “He answered my phone so he could take my sale. He's an asshole.

Hunk pops his head into the breakroom. “Keith, I'm gonna have to see you in my office.”

Keith gapes at him. “For what?”

“We don't call coworkers assholes. In my office, ten minutes,” Hunk says before he walks away. Keith groans and puts his face in his hands. 

“God, I hate him.” 

“That’ll be another citation for bringing personal issues into the workplace. You can expect to see this on your quarterly report, Keith.”

Keith flails a bit before he huffs and follows Hunk into his office so they discuss his write ups, and why he feels the need to call Lance an asshole so often. The camera cuts to the main work floor where Lance is attempting to fit the entire water jug into the cooler. All by himself. Everyone can smell the disaster. Pidge’s Lance Senses are tingling again so he kicks his office door closed and shuts the blinds. 

He did not want to be witness to the absolute disaster that was about to strike. Lance grins by the cooler, the jug on his shoulder. “Prepare yourselves for the awesome amount of strength a single man can have.” And he turns towards to cooler, preparing to get the thing into it. Everything goes wrong in what seems to be the span of a single moment, the water jug falls in agonizing slow motion and ends up bursting open on Lance’s suit, making it very visible that he does, in fact, wear the stupid cartoon underwear they got him last Christmas. There is the sound of a camera shutter and the camera turns to see Pidge peeking out of his office with a high definition camera, large lense attached. 

“For future blackmail- I mean reference,” 

“Screw you, Pidge!” Lance shouts, trying to shake off some of the water. Hunk, as if he can sense whenever someone says something negative about a co-worker, runs out of his office.

“Lance! We do not tolerate that kind of language towards co-workers!”

“Screw you, Hunk!”

“In my office! Now!” 

The camera shows Keith sitting in the chair with a huge, smug smile on his face, the sounds of Hunk yelling heard in the background. 

***

“The coffee table is broken again. It’s the sixth time this quarter. The finance department must be having a field day,” Allura shakes her head in dismay. “I’m beginning to think we’ll have to set aside a budget specifically for damaged equipment and furniture. Nobody knows why these things are breaking at the volume they are-”

“Allura, I just went into the copy room, there’s another broken copier…” Pidge says quietly, poking his head into Allura’s office. Allura rubs her temples and looks straight at the camera.

“You see what I mean?” 

The next shot shows Lance and Keith sitting in two chairs next to each other, vehemently refusing to speak and looking extremely afraid. 

It’s Pidge’s turn in the chair next and the look on his face is one that can only be described as doneness. 

“Those two, Lance and Keith, they honestly think that we don’t know they’re together. These walls aren’t exactly soundproofed you know. And you’d think we’d notice if those same two are always disappearing at random times of day. Yup. Lance and Keith are banging harder than a screen door in a hurricane.” Pidge shakes his head in disappointment. “No one remembers the security cameras. The things I have seen,” He looks to the distance with a thousand yard stare, and he even tears up a little bit. “All the time. Literally at least twice a day. It’s like…” He sniffs. “They can’t wait until they’re at home. It’s like they shoved an entire bottle of Viagra down their throats and just went at it. It’s horrifying.” The cameraman reaches over to pat Pidge on the back as he hold his fluffy head in his hands. 

The shot cuts to Allura. 

“Oh I know about the Lance and Keith thing. It’s just too good for sales. Our profits are up fifteen percent. Of course, those profits go toward replacing the broken machinery, but they’re on the statistics sheet nonetheless.”

Hunk is now on the screen.

“I kind of part time in finance, and let me tell you, I’m almost positive it’s Keith and Lance breaking everything,” He says quietly, folding his hands in front of him. “I’ve caught them with broken glass on their clothes, or ripped shirts, but you know, i never bothered to ask what was up, even though...that’s pretty much my job.” He leans forward. “Between the two of us, it feels like they’re trying really hard to hide something.”

The camera cuts to Shiro. 

“I've caught them twice,” He says quietly, fixing his tie in a mirror in the break room. “Once in here, and once in a supply closet. They swore me to secrecy, but I'm pretty sure people know. Pidge talks to me about it sometimes, and I think Allura knows they're fucking, but I don't think she knows they're the ones breaking everything. Honestly, it amazes me that they can literally break copy machines just by fucking on them. I mean, seriously? How hard are the banging each other? It amazes me.”

Lance is in the shot.

He frowns, folding his arms across his chest. “We’re not fucking.” Pidge’s voice come from off screen. 

“Sure you aren’t! And my name isn’t Pidge Gunderson!” Lance glares at the spot off camera.

“How do we know that your name isn’t Steven Smith?”

“I’m white, but not that white, Lance!”

Lance scowls and crosses his arms. “Look, I don’t know where you get your information, but me and Keith? Yeah, definitely not a thing…”

The camera cuts to Keith, who doesn’t know he’s the one in focus. He’s grinning like an idiot, staring at a very flustered Lance. The camera zooms in on Keith’s eyes, which are roaming up and down the Latino’s face as the red spreads. The look on his face can only be described as creepy. 

“It’s really pleasing.” It’s all he’s got to say. And they wonder why people think they’re fucking. The camera cuts to Pidge’s unimpressed face. 

“They aren’t subtle,” Pidge murmurs, shaking his head a little. “Sometimes, I’ll see them staring across the floor at each other, just...making obscene gestures. It’s insane, these two.” 

Coran is the next one in the chair, and it goes about as well as can be imagined. 

“Yea, I’m pretty sure those two are denser than the population of Mumbai. Positive that they’re rolling between the sheets too. I’ll get them a couple’s shirt next time I’m on vacation in about a week.” 

It’s a different shot of Coran. He’s in his office this time.

“Yeah, I happen to take a lot of vacations. It’s all strictly business though, I assure you. I’m a man of business, not pleasure…” He’s quiet for a moment before he grins and shakes his head. “I may be lying a little…I take a lot of pleasure out of watching everyone get mad because they can’t take vacations. Lance and Keith especially. I have a feeling they’re...quite exotic, if you understand what I’m saying.” 

As a last shot, the camera shows Allura. 

“So, yes, Lance and Keith are having sex, really expensive sex really, but none of us care enough to stop them”


	2. Matchmaking?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew tries to figure out what's keeping Shiro so distracted.

“Um….why are we here in the middle of a workday?” Hunk scratches at the back of his head. It seemed like the entire management floor was in the meeting room, with Allura standing at the head of the table.

“Because, Hunk, we have a very serious matter to discuss.”

“Did Lance and Keith break another copier?” The individuals in question look extremely offended. 

“No- Well, yes, but that’s not why we’re here,” Allura shakes her head. “No, the reason we’re here is because something is up with Shiro. He’s...different, and I can’t explain why. He keeps taking his weekends off instead of coming into work like usual”

Lance smirks. “Maybe he’s finally getting laid-”

Keith elbows him. “Shut up.” Allura nods.

“Yes, Lance, this is a serious matter….. Shiro is definitely seeing someone and we have to get to the bottom of it.” 

“But why us? Isn’t that Shiro’s business?” Hunk is confused, like usual. Allura nods sagely again.

“Yes, but Shiro’s face is our main money maker in business deals and we need to keep him with us! What if he’s dating some man eater who will tear out his heart and step on it?” Keith snorts.

“Wow. That was shameless, even for you. Aren’t you actually supposed to be talking during those business deals?”

Allura ignores the comment. “He’s leaving early today, he says he’s sick, but...well, I think he’s slipping off to meet someone. I want us all to take a bit of an excursion to see what exactly he’s up to.” Lance raises his hand.

“Isn’t that called stalking?”

Allura sighs, rolling her eyes. “Technically, but… It’s mostly me keeping an eye on my employees,” She tries to convince them. Really, she was just too curious about what Shiro was up to. “Now, up, let’s move.”

Any outsider would think they worked for a spy company, with how many plans and precautions they were making up. There were even walkie talkies, of all things. In reality, Allura could only trust Hunk, Pidge, and Coran, since Lance and Keith were bound to find themselves a bush somewhere. 

They manage to follow Shiro pretty closely without him noticing- they were quite the elusive bunch -and they find themselves in front of one of the nicest restaurants in town. Allura turns to ask Pidge something, but is surprised to see that he is no longer behind her. She shrugs, thinking he’s just gone to find a better place to stake out. She turns to the ridiculously complicated set up in front of her and begins to monitor her agents’ progress.

Shiro appears to be waiting for someone, glancing at his watch every so often, when finally, he looks up and smiles at someone. And… nobody expects who they see walking up to Shiro.

Pidge. 

A collective gasp is heard over the comm links. Lance’s face is pulled into the most ridiculous expression imaginable and Keith is averting his eyes. “Pidge is dating Shiro?!” Lance cries out, and that’s what blows their cover. Shiro and Pidge look over at them, or rather at the bush they were hiding in, eyes wide.

Fuck, these guys weren’t supposed to find out. Shiro rubs at the back of his head. “So, you guys can come out now.” 

Another voice comes from behind a wall to the left. “How did you know we were here?” 

A slapping sound.

“Hunk! You were supposed to stay quiet!”

Hunk grimaces as they all step out of hiding. “Well, it was Lance who gave us all away!” He protests, gesturing to Lance, who is still staring at Shiro and Pidge in shock. Pidge is blushing darkly, his arms crossed.

“I don’t know why it’s such a big deal to you guys…” He murmurs, looking away from everyone. 

“Weelll. We were worried about Shiro and then I started thinking about the future of the company and here we are. Why didn’t you say anything at the meeting?” Pidge looks down to the side.

“You looked so determined so I kind of slipped out after five minutes.” 

Everyone is surprised. Like, genuinely surprised. Shiro sighs awkwardly. “Guys, it’s really not a big deal. So what if we’re dating now? Lance and Keith have been d-”

“Shut up!” Both Lance and Keith shout at the same time. Shiro immediately throws his hands up in surrender. Pidge just snorts and goes into the restaurant. 

“You guys can talk if you want, but I want my steak. C’mon Shiro.” Shiro sighs and follows Pidge into the restaurant. The rest of the crew exchange awkward glances, and Lance and Keith try to keep attention away from what Shiro almost said.

They were not dating. Nope. Definitely not.

“Well. Have a nice dinner. I’m going home to feed my fish.” Hunk starts walking away and the rest of the crew follows him, presumably to their own houses, leaving Lance and Keith behind. Keith looks at Lance. 

“My place?”


	3. Halloweenies and Utter Geekdom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a shameless addition of a game both of us play avidly. Enjoy the little geek out. Huhuhu

The office building was decorated in sparkly blacks and prison oranges for the annual Halloween party. It was one of the crew’s favorite events, next to the Christmas party. Pidge was especially excited, because he had some new cosplay he wanted to show off. As was expected, and practically required, everyone showed up in a costume for work. 

Lance, predictably was that one guy in the banana costume, with the dad shorts and sandals underneath it. The sombrero that Coran got him is balanced precariously on top of the banana. No is is surprised.

“What do you think guys?” Lance struck a pose for the camera. The shot cuts to Keith in the chair. 

“I don’t know him.” It’s all he says before leaving. Keith’s sad excuse of a costume was a simple headband with felt cat ears hot glued on it and a tail tied to his belt. He hated this holiday, if he was honest, mostly because Lance used this as an excuse to dress up in the most ridiculous outfit he could muster.

Pidge and Coran were at each other’s throats each year for the costume contest. Both of them had the best ones every year. This year, Pidge was determined to beat Coran, who won last year. This year, everyone was sure Coran was gonna win again. 

He showed up in a bright orange suit of fur with generous padding and a large hat, carrying a large brown tube with him that he promptly shoves over Lance. He then pushes Lance over. 

“DID YOU CHOP DOWN THIS TREE?” He yells while pointing at Lance’s prone, tube encased body. 

“Dude are you the Lorax?” Lance’s voice come from inside the tube, echoing a little. Coran puffs up in pride. 

“Indeed I am, I speak for the trees. And the trees say I've got this year's costume contest in the bag,” He brags, but he’s cut off when the door to Pidge’s office crashes open. 

“Not so fast, Lorax!” Everyone turns and gapes. They all knew Pidge was going all out but this was far beyond whatever they thought possible. He was on Goddamn rollerskates with discs glued onto them, his hair was up in buns sitting prettily on top of his head, and he had a long staff in his hand. What tied it all together was his outfit, and his ribbons, and....

Well, nobody was really expecting his whole outfit to look so amazing, and not at all like a costume. It’s amazing, but none of them really know who he is. 

Coran looks him up and down. “And who in the dickens are you supposed to be?” He demands, folding his arms.

Pidge beams with pride. “I’m Ne Zha, the Third Lotus Prince,” He says, skating around Coran. “And...well, not to brag or anything, but I think I just won the costume contest,” He says happily.

Lance manages to get the tube off himself, and he sits up. “Yeah, Coran, his is so much better. I mean, he looks like he came right out of the game-”

Pidge’s head spins around to look at Lance. “You play Smite too?!” Lance dusts himself off as he gets up. 

“Yeah man. You’re looking at a rank ten Poseidon here.” 

“You have the pool skin, don’t you.” 

“Of course I do! It’s the only Poseidon skin worth having.” 

“What level are you?”

“30 of course. I’ve been playing since the beta.” Pidge gets this look on his face and suddenly Lance is very scared. 

“You know what this means, right Lance?” The shot cuts to Lance in the chair. 

“Me and my big mouth.” Back to the main floor.

“W-what?”

“You. Me. 1v1 duel.”

“I’m dead. So very very dead.”

 

“You know, Keith, you should really put more effort into costuming up,” A costumed Hunk says as he looks at a bitter looking Keith across his desk, a camera trained on them. “You get brownie points.”  
Keith scoffs, taking the headband off his head. “You know why I wear this every year?” He asks, glaring at Hunk. Hunk just shrugs.

“Because you like sucking the joy out of what we love?” He asks, smirking, and Keith actually looks insulted for a moment.

“No. Because Lance made it for me,” He mutters. “Fuck your brownie points. If my boyfriend-”

The camera zooms in on Keith’s face as sheer horror flashes across it. The shot cuts to Hunk, whose eyes are wide.

“Your what?” He says quietly, shocked. Keith stands up straight and takes a breath. 

“My what?” He looks at the camera. “What did I say?” He looks at Hunk, who glances at the camera, then back at Keith.

“Your boyfriend. Lance is your boyfriend. You just said Lance is your-”

“I never said that!” He shouts, eyes wide. “He’s not my-” He blushes darkly, looking around. The camera is trained on him, and it isn’t moving. “Fine, fuck, you got us,” He says with a huge sigh.

Hunk grins.

“Me and Lance are dating. And he’s my boyfriend. And I’m his.”


	4. WAR -but not really?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> War is upon us. Lol no. This is the Voltron meme squad we're talking about here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Published in commemoration of the fic hitting 1000 hits. Thank you guys sooooo much for sticking with this train wreck! >:3

It was just a routine company picnic, with badly planned games and awkward ice breakers to spare. The newbies and anyone not involved with the upper crust were left to stare as their bosses engaged in fiercely competitive soccer and hula hooping. It was quite a sight to see Keith and Lance glaring furiously at each other while swinging bright yellow hoops around their hips. Pidge made quite a bit of money entertaining the children by spinning a hula hoop around each arm and neck. Allura was sitting in the shade, drinking iced tea with Hunk and wondering how the company was still afloat if these idiots were in charge and Coran was manning the barbeque. 

All was well until another bus showed up, this one a shiny black charter, and Galra Industries started pouring out of it. 

It seems as if the whole crew collectively stops what they're doing and stares at the bus unloading its passengers. Coran even drops the burger he had on his spatula.

“Lotta nerve in those folks for invading our picnic,” Coran mutters to Allura, who just rolls her eyes.

“I think it's just a coincidence they decided to have their company picnic on the same day as ours at the same place, Coran, there's nothing to be concerned about,” She tries to assure him, but she can feel the anger coming from the other members of her crew. She stands up and glares at them, setting her iced tea aside and putting her hands on her hips. “Hey!”

Everyone turns to look at their boss.

“You will try your absolute best to be civil around these people, no matter what! We can't have any sort of police report on our company’s record-”

The camera cuts to Lance, who slowly lowers the slingshot he's fastened out of plastic sporks and a rubber band in the 0.2 seconds it's been since Galra Industries arrived.

Allura sighs as the camera cuts back to her, putting a hand over her face for a moment. “Just don't kill anyone,” She decides, and when the camera turns back to Lance, Keith is helping him collect acorns to use as ammo for his makeshift slingshot. When he notices the camera, Lance quickly drops the acorns and roughly elbows Keith to do the same, the both of them looking extremely guilty. The camera cuts to show Allura, Shiro, and Hunk just shaking their heads simultaneously. Pidge was over under the farthest tree from the soon to be disaster, fingers flying at some phone tap tap game. 

Over on the Galra side of the soon to be battlefield, things weren't much better. Sendak and Thace were loading up super soakers and condiment guns while Zarrkon sat under another tree pretending he didn't know them, sipping from a lemonade bottle. No one was actually watching their food on the grill and soon a horrible charred smell started coming from the Galra picnic. What a shame, all that wasted food in the name of pettiness. 

Soon enough, as the crew at Voltron were just finishing up their defenses, they're soon ambushed by waterguns and shouting, and Lance is the first on his feet, pulling a hidden water gun from the back of his hawaiian printed swim trunks, pointing it right at Sendak’s forehead. Sendak pauses, pressing the tip of his gun into Lance’s stomach.

“Don't think you really wanna do that, buddy,” Lance says quietly as the rest of the fight behind them seems to sort of fade out. It was just them now. Tension was rising. Lance’s finger was on the trigger. Sendak’s hands tense around his gun.

“I think I do,” Sendak whispers, narrowing his eyes at Lance, who scoffs and bellows out a laugh. 

“Don't think you scare me!” He chuckles, jabbing the tip of the gun into his forehead a few times. “I will literally shoot you in the face, and you will regret it.”

Sendak smirks, testing him. “Go ahead. Do it. If you can-”

Lance takes one step back and sprays Sendak in the face full force with his water gun, then makes a mad dash as Sendak helps and starts chasing him, futilely trying to spray Lance back. 

Allura watches from a careful distance as she sips her lemonade, sunglasses shielding her eyes from the mess before her. She watches as Pidge tries his damnedest to protect his phone from the water guns, screaming, yelling, and running away from whoever tried to spray him. Coran was merely focused on protecting his prized beef hamburgers, which “cost fifteen dollars a pound, you animals!” Shiro had sat next to Allura long ago, and Hunk had retreated back to the bus. Keith and Lance were Voltron’s best defenses, taking on Galra nearly on their own. 

The battle was long, with Voltron setting up a makeshift war tent under the cover of some particularly dense trees and a smokescreen made by a weeping Coran burning his meat. Acorns and pinecones served as pawns on a map of the battlefield drawn in the dust, the sounds of water balloons exploding and Lance and Keith yelling can be heard in the background. It had been four hours since the enemy engaged, and morale was getting low. The troops were hungry but the end was in sight. The sun was setting and tomorrow was a work day. They would outlast the Galra if they had to fight to the last man.

And who was winning?

Voltron, of course. The Galra had no chance.


	5. "What The Fuck Is This?!"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith and Lance have their first anniversary, with an added surprise for the team from the lovebirds themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse this intermission where Klance is lovey dovey cute instead of sex crazed beasts. We don't know how long it's gonna go on for tbh

“They've been dating for how long?!” Allura whisper-yells to her employees, sans Keith and Lance. The camera is trained on her worried face, only cutting to the others when they all shrug, besides Coran, who smirks.

“You heard me,” He chimes happily. “It'll be a year those two have been doing the horizontal tango in two days. They think we don't know, but ol Coran here knows all,” Coran says, tapping his head. “Also, it’s on their private Facebook pages.”

Everyone turns to look at Coran in disbelief.

“No way,” Pidge says, crossing his arms. “No, we’re all friends with them on Facebook, we would've seen the relationship status update,” He claims, and Coran smiles a little.

“Not if they hid it from their timelines. Then you'd have to click their profiles, go to-” 

“That's not the issue at hand here!” Allura interjects, smacking her hands on the table. “The issue is…well, that there's not really an issue. But, because a year is a pretty big milestone, I want to throw them a party. An anniversary party. I think it'd be nice for them, now that they're out and mostly proud.”

Hunk shrugs. “I think it'd be cool. I mean, Coran and I could cook a big lunch, and Pidge and Shiro could work with the decorations, and…” He shrugs again. “I'm sure they'd like it, you know.”

Shiro nods in agreement. “I think it'll kinda give them the reassurance that we’re here for them and that we accept them.”

Everyone is agreement, until Hunk leans close to Pidge, grinning.

“Just don't think this distracts us from yours and Shiro’s anniversary.” 

“Fucking dammit!”

“Language, young man!”

“You’re like two months older!”

“I am your Human Resources officer, I sign off on your paycheck raises,”

“Love you, Hunk”

“Hmmm. Why am I not inclined to believe you?”

“Eheh.”

***

While all that was going on, Lance and Keith were left completely in the dark. Literally. They were banging in the supply closet for the entire meeting, the third time that week. Any unfortunate greenhorns passing by swore they heard vengeful ghosts of unpaid interns past moaning and wailing in supply closet A. There was a reason people thought Voltron was haunted by spirits and drew their unholy profits from sacrificial rites.

Regardless, when they wak into the office together on the day of their anniversary, Pidge and Hunk grab them both and pull them towards the elevator. Keith gasps, and Lance rolls his eyes.

“Assholes, we were going towards the elevator anyways,” He mutters, and Keith scoffs, rolling his eyes.

“What is this about?” Keith asks, looking between Hunk and Pidge as they’re dragged inside the elevator. Hunk just smirks and pushes the button for the floor that Allura’s office is on. Keith and Lance look at each other, kind of nervous. Was Allura firing them for having too much sex in the office or something? 

They wouldn’t blame her, really. They knew they got kind of rowdy sometimes, and that it was pretty fucking annoying.

On the other side of the office door, the rest of the main crew sits in wait, decorations all around them, a big banner hanging from the ceiling that says “Happy Anniversary”, and Coran has two party hats on his head like ears, a party horn in his mouth, maracas in his hands, and bells tied to all his limbs. He’s ready to fucking party.

Allura turns to the camera. “They have enough clue what we're doing. Hunk and Pidge should be bringing them in any time now-”

The camera swings to the door when Hunk kicks it open, and he and Pidge nudge Keith and Lance inside. The two men stare in shock when they see the crew jump up and yell ‘surprise’, all of them clapping excitedly. 

Keith’s jaw drops, and Lance lowkey tears up. “How did you even know?” Lance asks, voice a little squeaky and high pitched. 

Shiro just rolls his eyes. “Please. In addition to coran knowing through his mysterious ways, you two weren't exactly subtle in posting about how excited you were about this 'certain event' for the past two weeks. Of course we knew.”

Keith immediately turns to sock Lance in the arm. 

“You didn’t turn the privacy settings on?”

“Hey, I forgot on account of the excitement coursing through my body.” Lance leans in for a smooch, figuring that since they were exposed anyway, there was no harm in loving up his man. Allura clears her throat before they get too far and were lost to the team for the rest of the day. 

“Before you two inevitably excuse yourselves to attend to your ‘other’ matters-" Keith and Lance exchange glances. They'd had their fill for now, but Allura didn't need to know that. "-we have a party to enjoy, so please sit down and have some cake at least.” Pidge pipes up from the background where he’s filming the entire party for later blackmail and memeage. 

“Yeah! Hunk and I worked really hard on that cake!” The camera cuts to a frame of Hunk’s unimpressed face, raised eyebrow of disappointment and everything. 

“Uh, Pidge. Hunk baked most of the cake while you napped in the corner.”

“Whatever! The point is the cake is fucking amazing so have at least one slice before you two bang each other again.”

Keith and Lance roll their eyes. "Alright, alright, we have a lot of sex, but we've, you know, we've been chilling out," Lance says, smiling a little. "If you must know, our mind has been in other places, we've been too distracted to do it so much."

Keith just smirks, crossing his arms and nudging his boyfriend. "Let's have some of that awesome cake, babe," He murmurs, kissing his cheek before going over to Hunk for a slice. 

And the cake was indeed amazing, enough to put some bakeries to shame. 

“Hunk, if you keep baking these things and putting them in the break room, I’ll gain like twenty pounds by the end of the year.” Shiro was trying to gracefully stuff his face, which he managed to do because he’s fucking Shiro. 

Hunk smirks. “Secret family recipe. Best damn cake ever.” He looks over at Keith and Lance, and the camera follows his gaze. 

Keith and Lance are lovingly feeding each other cake, forgetting that they're at a party. For once, it looks like things aren't sexual, and that they're just purely in love. Everyone ‘aw’s, and Keith quickly moves away, leaving Lance with a sad fork in his mouth. 

“Hey, we can be sweet sometimes…” Keith defends himself with, and Lance pops the fork out of his mouth.

He leans over and kisses his cheek. “Don't be embarrassed about being cute, you jerk. You're gonna have to cozy up to me eventually or…” He grins and stands up, throwing his fists in the air, then holding out his right hand, laughing loudly. “This ring won't mean anything.”

Pidge screams, running over and gripping Lance’s hand. “What the fuck is this?!” 

The room promptly breaks into chaos, with lower level employees, particularly those who worked under Lance and Keith, running helter skelter waving their arms and screaming about weddings and planning. Allura claps her hands excitedly and an unholy gleam lit in her eyes at the prospect of both planning the wedding and milking it for as much positive PR as possible. Galra Industries wouldn’t have the balls to come up with something this bold. Hunk was already mooning over the reception and the decor, along with the possibility of getting to bake a wedding cake. Shiro was just worried, remembering the last time he had even a sip of alcohol. Pidge still had the pictures loaded into a super secret hard drive hidden somewhere he would never find it. 

Keith, realizing that their other little secret was outed to the team, flushes the exact shade of his tie as he tries to yank the door open to leave. The door was quickly slammed shut by a smiling Allura and Keith knew he was doomed, condemned to a day full of questions and wedding planning, because there was no way the team was staying uninvolved. Pidge was already on the phone with his DJ buddies and light team and Coran had jetted out the door to scope out restaurants long ago. Lance, like a true drama queen, was taking everything in stride and was already looking at flowers with Allura on the screen that was supposed to be used for meeting presentations. Keith just sits down next to Hunk and tried to disappear into the woodwork of the table. There goes his hope for a quiet, if cheesy wedding. He would’ve been willing to do it on the beach too, given Lance’s odd fascination with large bodies of water. 

It’s safe to say the work plan is completely discarded for the rest of the month while the wedding is planned and no one is complaining. All the minion level employees are glad to have a break from the executive team’s rabid sales pitches and Allura’s aggressive deal making habits.

Keith, meanwhile, is just hoping everyone knows what they're doing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also we're sorry for the delay between chapters. School, marching band, college, and work have all gotten in the way of things. We'll try our best to update more <3


	6. Wedding Shenanigans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oho. Let the tomfoolery and fuckery begin. Kind of short this time though.

(intermission while Klance prepares for their wedding) 

 

“You're pretty lucky you're in here,” Shiro whispers to the camera as they sit in his and Pidge’s bedroom. This was a little look in on employees’ daily lives, and Shiro and Pidge volunteered to go first. “Usually Pidge doesn't let anyone see his morning routine-”

“Fuck you, stupid fucking-” Pidge let's out a frustrated scream from the bathroom. “SHIRO! COME HELP ME WITH MY BINDER, I GOT STUCK AGAIN!”

Shiro smiles slightly. “Every morning, I tell you. He never seems to understand that you put both arms in at the same time.” He shakes his head and stands up, walking into the bathroom.

The camera cuts to the two of them making breakfast in the kitchen. Pidge doesn't have his shirt on, just his binder tank top. “Yeah, I don't think anyone actually knows I'm trans.” Pidge says to the camera as he eats a piece of toast. Just toast. No butter or jam of any kind. Just toast. “I mean, it's not like I care, but I think it's funny they don't question my manly manliness.”

“Pidge, you're a noodle,” Shiro says as he cooks eggs the stove. “An angel hair noodle.”

“I’ll have you know angel hair is pasta, which sounds far classier than a noodle.”

“But I don’t hear a denial.”

“Noodles have been staples of so many diets for so many centuries, Shiro. I’m a noodle and I’m proud.” Pidge takes another bite of his toast and continues talking, “Besides. We can’t all be Grade A beefcakes like you.” 

Pidge stares at the sheer size of Shiro’s biceps, dumbfounded that the man eats as much as he does and still looks like he could bench press a whale. Where did it all go?

Shiro, meanwhile, just seasons his eggs and pretends he doesn’t notice Pidge’s staring. He knows what happens when he walks outside in anything tighter than a sweater. Pidge has to carry a stick with him at all time to fend off the vultures trying to sink their claws into HIS beefcake. Shiro sets the eggs on the table and like magic Pidge materializes from where he was probably unnerving the cameramen by silently eating his toast. Pidge meticulously picks out any tomatoes in the omelet and steals them for himself, leaving Shiro with the majority of the sausage and peppers. Which was fine. Tomatoes still had some nutritional content. The cameras constantly following their every move eventually gets on Pidge’s nerves and he gives the poor producer a glare that could melt steel before dragging Shiro into their inner sanctum (read: bedroom) and slamming the door shut. 

“We’re surrounded.” Pidge said as he held the door closed against threats that were still sitting in the kitchen, terrified out of their minds. 

“Pidge they can’t be that bad. They didn’t really do anything yet.”

“They got video of your lion plushies and opened your closet. They know about the leggings.”

“.... They didn’t….”

“They did.”

“Oh no.”

“Horrible right?”

Shiro could only nod. Those lions were his prized possessions, the first things he bought when he moved to the city. The black and the green ones were always next to each other but Pidge didn’t need to know he had a lion in the pride. And the camera men wouldn’t keep that footage. Right? Wrong. 

They could hear the cameramen giggling over the footage if they pressed their ears against the door. Shiro stood back. 

“That’s it. Pack your stuff. We’re sneaking out and staying with Hunk and Shay.” Pidge’s eyebrows disappeared and his glasses did the glinty thing. 

“Sounds like a plan”

 

“Yeah I don't think they ever expecting you guys to be here too,” Hunk laughs as a boom mic hangs over Pidge’s head as they sit in Hunk and Shay’s living room. Shay giggles, glancing over at their two guests, both of which are pouting. 

“You know we have work soon,” Pidge points out, crossing his arms in a huff. Hunk smirks. 

“Actually, we all have the next three days off so we can do this employee filming thing. Isn't that just awesome?” He goes over and gently punches Pidge’s arm, and Shiro just has to grimace. There goes his secrets. 

“I should've expected this. I don't know what we were thinking.” Shiro rubs his temples, sighing. Pidge adjusts his glasses. 

“Evasive maneuvers seem to have failed. We have no choice but to just… give up.” He sighs, forlorn. “We'll just have to make the best of this.”

Hunk suddenly grins. “Hey, I know! We could have a barbecue, here at my place. Tomorrow. It'll be awesome. It'll definitely cheer everyone up to have a little food and fun, huh?”

“Hunk, did you forget what happened last time you and your friends had a barbecue?” Shay asks, gently resting her hand on Hunk’s shoulder. “You came home covered in mustard. You smelled for days.”

“Okay, hey, that was different. None of us wanted to be at that damn company picnic, alright?” Hunk defends, huffing. “Anyways, I'll give Coran and Allura a call, and see if the lovebirds can pull themselves from wedding planning long enough to join us.” He takes his phone out and walks into the other room to call his friends. 

 

“No, Lance- okay, look. The chairs do not need to be draped in flowers.”

“But Keith, Keith… listen to me.” Lance grips his fiance’s shoulders, looking him in the eye as the camera sits focused on them a distance away. “The guests will go nuts over sitting on flowers.”

Keith crosses his arms. “They'll be going nuts because their nice clothes have flowers and grass stains on them. We will not do this,” he says sternly, and Lance rolls his eyes. 

“Fine, whatever. I just think it'd add to the whole… nature theme.”

“We didn't pick a theme.”

“Okay, but if we did.”

“But we didn't.”

“Keith.”

“Lance.”

“Dude. Both of us are wearing flower crowns as we walk down the aisle. Pidge made the bouquets himself out of foraged plants in the woods behind his place. Keith, the arch is made of fucking twigs. We have a theme, Keith.”

“God, fine. But don't you dare ask to ride a deer down the aisle or I will literally fight you at our wedding.”

Lance laughs, but then he smiles sheepishly. “Okay, but how cool would it be if I rode down the aisle on a deer?”

The camera cuts to Keith sitting at the table, his face in his hands. “I’m marrying that idiot. I'm marrying the idiot who's going to ride a fucking deer down the aisle.”

Lance yells from the other room. “Get this- the deer is ALSO the ring bearer!”

Keith slams his head down on the table. “I'm marrying that idiot.” But this time, he says it with only fondness and love, and there's a hint of a smile on his face as he sits up.

Lance comes in after a moment, having gotten a call from Hunk. “So, Hunk had the bright idea of hosting another picnic. We’re invited. This should be fun, huh?” Lance teases, sitting next to his fiance. 

Keith lets out a sigh. “We smelled like mayonnaise for a week. Being in the office was terrible for everyone. We can't be seriously doing this again.” Lance shrugs. 

“It's just for the cameras. To show we're buddies who chill out together or something.” Lance glances at the camera. “So it'll be fine…” 

Keith snorts. “Maybe. But remember Murphy’s law.” 

“Phsshaw. When has anything ever gone wrong with me around? Besides. Hunk is bringing macaroni salad.” 

Keith says nothing, and just stares into the camera with the most deadpan expression possible for a human face to achieve. Somewhere in the distance Pidge’s blackmail senses tingle.


	7. In Sickness and Health

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wedding bells are ringing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we both cried while writing chapter. 
> 
> this wedding got a bitch crying

Hunk greets Allura and Coran with a hug, and Coran puts his hands on his hips and inhales deeply, purposely avoiding looking at the camera. “I've brought more of my delicious hamburger meat, heat up that grill, Hunk!” he starts moving towards the grill, and Allura sheepishly holds up the picnic cooler as she follows Coran to the grill. Keith and Lance show up a few moments later, smiling at their friends. Keith gives Allura a kiss on the cheek, hugging Shiro as Lance gets his arm around Pidge’s neck, pulling him close and giving him a noogie, laughing when Pidge gives him a good punch to the stomach. 

The camera cuts to Shay as she glances nervously at Hunk, who gives her a reassuring smile. “Really, Shay, what happened at the company picnic was just… a terrible waste of food, and a sad day for all of us. But this is just us, our buddies, our family-”

“Are you kidding me?!”

The camera swings to Pidge, who is gaping at Coran, who just so happens to be wearing the same gaudy, bright yellow Hawaiian shirt as he is. Coran stares back at him with an equal expression of disdain.

“Well one of us has to change!” Pidge claims, putting his hands on his tiny waist. Shiro watches the exchange, an eyebrow raised. He'd told Pidge earlier that morning that that shirt was hideous, and he should've changed, because chances are Coran owned it too… And he was surprised to see he was right. 

Coran leans in to glare at Pidge. “Really? Alright then…” He leans back again, closes his eyes, twists his mustache, rubs his hands together… and literally rips his shirt off, buttons flying all over Hunk’s back yard. 

A collective gasp rings around the backyard. The wind picks that correct moment to blow through Coran’s hair, ruffling it softly. 

The camera cuts to several shots of the other team members sitting in front of a blank wall, with their jaws agape and their eyes the size of jawbreakers. There is no sound, only silence as they all process the newly learned information. Even Pidge’s supercomputer brain is experiencing the collective blue screen of death. 

Unlike the first company picnic which ended in disaster this one goes relatively well, if only for the fact that Allura prowls the yard like a restless tiger, waiting to pounce on anyone stupid enough to do anything to ruin her planning. Shay stands off to the side of the grill with a formidable looking grill brush in her hand. They worked hard planting those prizewinning flowerbeds dammit and Hunk nearly cried the last time the plumerias wilted. Coran’s hamburgers are a smashing success since they aren’t sacrificed for the sake of an old feud this time, though some people focus less on the dripping burgers than his rippling biceps. They just can’t get over it. Until the sky opens up and it starts to pour like nobody’s business. They quickly evacuate into the house and stand there giggling like mad as the wind whips their balloons into the sky and the rain drips from the gutters. 

Unfortunately, while the storm made a great excuse for hot chocolate and wet cuddles, it did destroy everything they stored outside for the wedding over the next few days, because the storm just keeps raging. Namely, the twig arch, all of Pidge’s bouquets, and the other flower arrangers bailed out. On the day of the wedding, the caterers are all stuck in their building from a downed tree, the decorations have blown away and are littering the nearby streets, their outdoor venue is an absolute wreck, and nothing more is done, and nothing can be done to save anything. The engaged couple is devastated, and Allura is just as upset as they are, all her careful planning having gone to waste. 

That is, until Shiro remembers something about the beach being clear of rain, some thirty miles to the south. It only takes a moment for Keith and Lance to agree to getting married on the beach, and they all pile into their respective cars with as much improvised decor as possible and head to the beach. 

They make it there just as the clouds clear and the sun comes out, on a crisp and cool day at the beach with silky sand beneath their bare feet and a gentle breeze floating about. Luckily the stormy waters washed up some giant logs that are quickly repurposed into benches for the guests and some curved bleached driftwood is tied together into a rustic arch. Shay and Pidge knit the seaside flowers into garlands with deft fingers and drape them over the benches and giant bull kelp forms a makeshift aisle. The end result is an aesthetic blogger’s wet dream. 

The Kogane and McClain families arrive in a shared bus they decided to rent because over thirty people on both sides do not make for a fun day on the highway. Lance’s mom saves the day when she cracks open the luggage bays of the bus to reveal tray after tray of Cuban home cooking waiting to be heated up for the reception and some ready made Korean snacks for the pre-wedding from Keith’s mom. Both families spirit their respective sons away for a few hours to get dressed, claiming it was bad luck for them to see each other right before the wedding. 

With the grooms gone, the rest of the team is free to panic about the priest, or the lack of one. 

“What are we supposed to do? We can’t have a wedding without someone to officiate! My boys are not going to get married in a courthouse!” Allura paces in the sand, forming a visible trail. 

“This is all going to be for nothing!” Pidge’s drama queen side tends to come out when the time calls for it. He screams at the sky before Shiro claps a hand over his mouth to avoid alerting the grooms. Keith’s mom, with the notorious Asian Mom hearing, whips around to stare suspiciously before returning to wrestling her son into something silky. 

He vehemently rejects everything she's trying to get him into, until his father comes up with a garment bag and a small smile. “Maybe you could wear this, instead of your tux, Keith,” His father says, and instantly his wife knows. She whispers something to him in Korean- which, unfortunately, Keith never learned -and his father just nods in response. 

“What is it?” Keith asks, taking the bag from him and unzipping it. He gasps quietly, and his mother tears up. 

“It's what your father wore at our wedding. They're traditional wedding robes- oh, Keith, darling, you'll look amazing…”

**

“Lance, mijo, your hair-”

“Mama, it's fine,” Lance swats his mother’s hands away as she tries to fiddle with his already-fine hair.

“And your tie, it's crooked.”

“My tie is fine.”

“Are you sure you don't want to-”

“Mama,” Lance puts his hands on his mother’s shoulders and leans a little to look her in the eyes, and he gives her a soft smile. “I'm okay. I look great, and Keith will think so too.”

Instantly, the older woman tears up, her lower lip trembling. “My baby boy is all grown up,” She whispers, gently stroking his cheek. “Getting married to such a wonderful man…”

**

“And you're positive it only takes five minutes?” Allura whispers to Coran as she, Pidge, and Coran sit huddled around an iPad. 

Coran nods quickly. “S’what the website says, isn't it? ‘Become an ordained officiate online in five minutes’. And we've got much longer than five minutes I'd say. I'll be able to marry these two in a jiff.”

“Good, good. See, we're making this work,” Pidge assures Allura, who is taking deep breaths to stop from having a meltdown. 

“Our first wedding was a disaster, and I will not let this one be too. Coran, finish that, I'll check on the food for the reception.” She gets up and heads off to where the makeshift reception will be held, just a little ways down the beach. Hunk and Shay are working diligently to make enough food, while Lance’s dad is bringing over both the McLain’s contributions and the Kogane’s. 

“Hey there, Miss Allura,” Lance's father says when Allura walks over. “Everything is ship-shape over here, how’re the grooms doing?”

Allura smiles at the man. “Well. They both look fantastic, and everything is going smoothly. Coran’s working on getting ordained, we've got everything in place… I'll be honest, this is going more smoothly than I anticipated.”

Mr. McLain just smiles. “That's fantastic. God, can't believe my boy is getting married.” He puts his hands on his hips. “Seems like just yesterday he was heading into his first day of kindergarten, crying for his mama…” He tears up, then wipes his eyes. 

Allura presses a hand to her heart. “Oh, Mr. McLain… we're doing all we can to ensure this is the best day of your son’s life. His and Keith's.” She rests a hand on his shoulder, and he gives her a smile. 

“Thank you, Miss Allura.”

**

Pidge breaks out his keyboard, sitting at the front of the makeshift pews. Coran stands under the newly made arch, hands folded in front of him. The two grooms are at the other end of the aisle, looking away from each other, their parents standing with them. Keith and Lance were having a hard time not looking at each other, because they're just so damn excited. 

Then Pidge starts playing the wedding march, and instantly the two look at each other… and instantly they start crying. 

“Stop staring, we have to walk,” Keith says with a chuckle through his tears, and Lance just laughs. 

“You stop staring too, you nerd,” He whispers, and both sets of parents nudge their children forward, walking behind them as they walk up the aisle. There's not a dry eye in the seats, everyone emotional as the grooms walk up to Coran, where they can't help but laugh. Coran was marrying them? A smile splits both their faces from ear to ear. God, this wedding couldn't get any better. 

Coran clears his throat. “And who gives these two dashing men away?” Both sets of parents respond, and then take their seats. Coran looks at Keith, then Lance. “By the way, you both look absolutely stunning. Marvelous, really.” 

Lance looks over to his fiancee, soon to be husband, in his dashing robe set and his wispy hair barely restrained in a teeny ponytail that looked like it would break free at the slightest breeze and finds he couldn’t agree more. Keith doesn’t completely turn his head but he moves just so he can see Lance in his bespoke suit with his classic shade of blue and the snazzy pocket square his dad probably gave him, with his shiny dress shoes and can’t help the small flush coming to his face. They are both sentimental idiots who can’t even meet each other’s eyes as they join hands for the vows. The background noises of the Kogane and McClain parents’ quiet sobbing and Pidge’s ugly loud wheezing do nothing to hinder the pair as they stare into each other’s eyes and rest their foreheads against each other for a moment. Lance goes first.

“Keith, all the years of our lives have come to this moment and I don’t think I would trade all the fame and all the internet glory in the world for a single second of it. I know from all our movie nights and countless days wasted watching rom com chick flicks that we are both too familiar with cheesy wedding vows, so I’ll try to be quick. Keith, I would fly giant robotic lions through the outer reaches of space with you in our next lives if it came to that. I’ll be the leg for you to stand on and your own personal pillow because I know you nap like a cat sometimes and it would be a crime to wake you up.” Keith can barely see through his tears but he doesn’t dare remove his hands from Lance’s. 

*sniff* “Ditto, Lance. But without the pillow part. Instead I vow to always be there to stand by your side through whatever situation you’ve gotten yourself into. And I would love to fly giant space robot lions together” 

A collective sob rips through the crowd and Pidge steals Shiro’s handkerchief to blow his nose into it. Shiro’s eyeliner is running and he silently curses the manufacturers for lying to him. “Waterproof my highly toned ass” 

Coran clears his throat to get everyone’s attention back on him.

“Well there are too many of these and I forgot most of them already so I’ll just summarize. Do you two take each other to be your lawfully wedded husbands in sickness and health and whatever else life may throw at you, to cherish for as long as you two shall live?”

Lance and Keith take one last look at one another as fiance and fiancee and smile their dorky, full-of-teeth smiles before speaking in unison. 

“I do.” 

“Then by the power invested in me by the internet, I now pronounce you husband and husband! Now give each other the old dip and smooch maneuver,” Coran exclaims as he flexes in the background for the camera. 

Cheers ring out along the beach as Lance and Keith take turns dipping and kissing each other as flowers are flung high into the air to be carried out to sea by the breeze.


End file.
